Current mood:	tired
Current music:	Led Zeppelin

mmmmQ
i'm unhappy, and i can't even explain why. This preconceived notion of "happiness" that i've striven (strove strived???) for is now here, i have it obtained, and yet i still get these stupid feelings of depression, or unhappiness, or fatigue, or something bad and i can't really put it into words what it is.

i am happy however. i find myself lucky here, and i have found some very beautiful people. However, to go straight to the point, i don't like Johnson and Wales. so far. there are a lot of people here that i would prefer not to live with. I don't like dorms, i don't like roommates, and i don't like academics. i'm taking classes that i was thrown into for the culinary program, and they mean nothing to me. i really am just completely wasting my time, and i don't particularly like it. I can't wait to have an apartment. I also can't wait for culinary labs. ugggghhhh

Life is very beautiful outside of Johnson and Wales. Bristol is amazing. i like her a lot, and i'm so damn lucky to have met her. i have a job on thayer st. (ie. the coolest street in providence, equivelant to something like fanual hall or church st.). Brown University is on thayer. I work at au bon pain, which is like a panera-ish kind of place. it is really great. i get free coffee, and food, and drinks, and such, and the people there are very cool. The work is not that hard and i actually get breaks????? this concept is new to me. They were like "you get a half hour break" i was like ummmm i don't really need one. they laughed and told me to go. It was cool how i got the job too, i randomly started talking to a girl in the library because she was sitting in the seat i usually sit in, and i told her, and she laughed, and we started talking. SHe told me she worked there and i applied like the next day, and got the job on the spot. So make friends with people. Also, EJ is a very amazing person. He enjoys things like me, and has the same general outlook on the world as i do. He is nice to talk to, and a very learned person. He is an RA at south, and i like him a lot. We talk about books, and life, and drinking tea, and love, and hate, and things that make you think. He's one of the beautiful people i mentioned earlier.

The city is still beautiful. It has begun to inspire me to do something. I always get these pangs of inspiration to write a song, or a poem, or draw a painting, or write a book, or anything, but i don't, because "everything I made is trite and cheap and a waste of paint, of tape, of time" (Bright Eyes) seemed appropriate. in fact, that song seems appropriate for everything i'm feeling in the world. what a good song. "As I hide behind these books I read, while scribbling my poetry, like art could save a wretch like me, with some ideal ideology that no one can hope to achieve" you know? speak my mind. I <3 conor oberst. and i'm jealous (so jealous) of Bristol because of her amazing art that makes me wish that i was creative, and not a WASTE! agh! and fricken Erica. i hang around creative people too much. the city is very ugly too. I saw a man when i was waiting for the trolly thing to thayer, and he had a alcholic drink i assume inside a paper bag, and his eyes looked very unhappy. He couldn't walk well, because he was very very drunk, and he fell down and hit his head about 6 inches from where i was standing. It was probably the worst noise i have ever heard, and i looked down, and didn't want to do anything out of fear, and sadness. I just didn't know what to do, because even if i helped him up, he would probably just fall back down. so i let him sit there with a dazed look on his face, and people came to help. i said he should go to the hospital, and a lady sneered and looked at me with this face as if to say "he doesn't deserve help." i think he did. i felt so horrible, like i was about to cry or shoot myself or something. it sucks when people become that way, and i wonder what it would have taken for me to reach that point. probably not much more than my mother dying, or my parents disowning me. It sucks, but its things like that that make me happy to be who i am, and happy that the people surrounding me support me. I wished i could have helped that man, but i can't imagine how. maybe i'm just exaggerating, blowing a small incident out of proportion. ::shrug::

no one here likes dave matthews. and no one likes going to poetry slams. i miss home. but only some of it. everyone is going home this weekend, and i have family weekend at the cape. really sucks, because i really miss everyone.

speaking of which, i had a beautiful weekend at the cape lllllast weekend? yeah i think. or the one before. It was beautiful beautiful sexy awesome great, i had a blast. The people i went with were the perfect mix, and i was very content for the majority of the weekend. Lots of kicking back, and also lots of partying. we made good food, played good music, just a generally amazing time, and i am bummed that a lot of the people that i would have liked to have gone didn't. but what can you do?

john young is the man, and i miss him.

oh and i also played a few intense games of frisbee today. john (corliss), steve-o (john's roomate/the man), and i joined the intramural team. I don't believe we will have any official games until the spring, however, we have a scrimage in the making, and one of the kids is going to be in charge of keeping us in shape, doing drills and such, so this is a very good thing. Frisbee is the only sport, believe it or not, that i've ever enjoyed playing, and i never have the incentive to go to the gym. So this is good, because i need to watch my figure. i think.

i love everyone... and i hope to hear from whoever, so call me, or if nothing else, leave me a sweet comment. always a nice gesture. as usual, i hope everyone is content with their being.