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[14 Feb 2006|02:14pm]
How are you?
Good. You?
I’m good.
I miss you.
I laugh.
You miss me?
Yeah, I miss you. Why’s that so funny?
No one has ever missed me before. People tend to be happy when I’m gone.
She laughs.
Not me.
Good. I like that you miss me.
I like it too.
I smile.
What’d you do tonight?
Sat here and watched the clock until I thought I could call you without seeming desperate.
I laugh.
What’d you do?
Sat here and waited for you to call and thought about what I was gonna say to you so that I didn’t sound desperate.
She laughs, speaks.
I guess we’re desperate.
Probably a bit.
For what?
Freedom. However we can find it.
And you think one of those forms could be each other?
It wasn’t what I expected when I came here.
You shouldn’t expect anything now. You should just wait and see what happens.
Well said.
Thank you.
You want to meet me again tomorrow.
You can tell me another story.
I think its your turn.
I think you’re right.
You got anything in mind?
Ask me a question, same as I did you, and I’ll give you an answer. And whatever that answer is, I won’t judge you.
Thank you.
I’ll see you tomorrow.
I miss you.
I like that you miss me.
I like that you like it.
I put the receiver in the cradle and I stare at the phone and I smile. It's not just a smile of momentary happiness. When it disappears from my face, it will stay with me.
I turn and I walk through the Unit and into the hall and toward my Room. As I approach it, I can hear the soft sounds of Miles's clarinet drifting through the door. I stop outside and I listen to it. He is playing low like he always plays low. he is holding the notes for longer than I think he'd be able to hold them. he is repeating a melody over and over each time with variations. It is simple music, made by one man and his lungs and a piece of metal with holes and his fingers moving along the holes. It is just sound low then higher slow then faster slow again and low, repeated with variations. There are no words and there is no singing, but the music has a voice. It is an old voice and a deep voice, like the stump of a sweet cigar or a shoe with a hole. It is a voice that has lived and lives, with sorrow and shame, ecstasy and bliss, joy and pain, redemption and damnation. It is a voice with love and without love. I like the voice, and though I can’t talk to it, I like the way it talks to me. It says it is all the same, Young Man. Take it and let it be.
The song the melody the old, low and slow voice ends. It ends and it trails off into the quiet of a sleeping Hall. I open the door and I step into my Room. Miles sitting on his bed his lips are still holding the reed. He nods to me and I nod back to him. I walk over to my bed. I take off my clothes and I climb beneath the covers of my bed and they are warm and I like them and I close my eyes and I curl into myself my head against the pillow I curl into myself and the voice begins again. Sorrow and shame and ecstasy and bliss and joy and pain and redemption and damnation and love and without.
It is all the same, Young Man.
Take it and let it be.
3 apple § sauce

tagged by hotness [04 Nov 2005|11:22pm]
[ mood | calm ]

"List five songs that you currently love. It doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the songs in your blog. Then tag five other Livejournal friends to see what they're listening to."

1) Yoshimi battles the pink Robot Pt. 1 - The Flaming Lips
2) Dry the Rain - The Beta Band
3) Out on the tiles - Led Zeppelin
4) Ambulance - TV on the Radio
5) Waltz # 2 (XO) - Elliott Smith

I tag Bristol Powell, John Corliss, Christopher Peterson, Krissie Stauble, aaaaand Elena Mamatas, just to see if she still reads this.

7 apple § sauce

A beautiful girl can make you dizzy.... [01 Nov 2005|11:48pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

i was feeling an entry.

i wanna start this off by saying i love john young. He completely made my night tonight, and i'm so glad that i'm able to call him my best friend. i miss him like crazy and i wish that college didn't tear us apart. Thanks giving is going to be a time to remember.

speaking of which, i have 11 days off. unbelievable. I was under the impression that our tri-mester university was just like all the others. and i asked ashley today, and she was like yeah thursday, and i was like... thursday is thanksgiving, and she was like noooooo. it made my day, i'm so dumb. its so cool, so i believe i'm going to vermont for that weekend, before thanksgiving, to see john and all the others up there. so everyone that goes there reading this, make plans with me through comments, if you are so inclined.

life is good/bad. work is a lot of fun, but unfortunately the manager who makes it fun is leaving, so i have a lame manager to look forward to. i'm feeling like i won't be there much longer, but who knows. This college is like job central. Everywhere i look thers an opportunity, and i really would rather be on the line working my ass off then dollying around making sandwiches. its money, and i hate saying that. i enjoy it, but i think i could definitely enjoy it more.

J-woo is overwhelming. My classes aren't hard, but there is so much stuff to do otherwise. I'm on the frisbee team as well as the special functions club, and both of these take up the majority of my time.

Frisbee is pretty much the greatest thing thats ever happened to me. Its weird how much i dislike most sports, and how much i love frisbee. Playing with people who are decent at playing is up there on my absolute favorite things to do. its like a release, an emancipation, a relief, if you will. afterwords i feel a million times better, in like every way. its hard to explain. i'm so happy i get to play like on a weekly basis. before it was like "hey you wanna go play at nichols?" oh hollis. i really miss home. in a weird sort of not-missing way.

Special Functions club is fun. We do functions that happen around the area and on campus. Like prep/cater/whatever they need. You get to meet so many people, the connections are endless around not only providence but like the world. thats why i said earlier that there are so many opportunities all over the place.

I need an apartment. I hate dorms, and i hate ezra, and shamarie is ok. I hate that i can't come home and talk to like my mom, without having to go out into the cold, so ezra can get some rest, even though he has class at fucking 1:30. he's a douchbag, and i really really want to move. even to another room, would make me happy. theres talk, but i want there to be action. theres no way i'm living here next year.

i'm starting culinary labs next tri which consist of 6 hours of lecture/kitchen-dining room from 7 am to 1pm monday-thursday in classes such as traditional european cuisine, stocks, sauces, & soups, intro to baking & pastry etc. its going to be rough, but i'm so excited. my academics are a joke. they are not necessary, and i wish i had decided on different ones. i tested out of math, so i have no classes tuesday, so i'm basing things on work, and its going to suck come next tri.

i miss adam. he got dropped from the college because of some lame-ass meat cutting chef and i won't go into it, but hes coming back next tri and he has 3 labs with me. i'm pumped. but we got to hang out this weekend which was cool. boston is always a cool place to be, and i saw leesh-bag, tyler, dave, jen, and katie, and of course, the beautiful erica getto, which is never a bad thing.

its 12:34 at the moment i'm typing this.

i'm going to see dave on the 15th with miss getto, and i'm very excited. i found a few more people around here that enjoy dave, one being bristol's roommate. i like dave fans. i also saw the wailers the other night, and apprantly marc hawkshurst was like 5 feet away from me and i didn't even know it. crazy. rusted root is coming, as well as medeski,martin, and wood, guster, and darkstar, and i think bristol may have gotten tickets to fiona apple? but i'm not sure. music is a good thing, and its prevalent here. i love it. new music. its a good thing.

life has its ups and downs, as usual, but i feel like things are generally going better than worse. lets hope it continues.

i feel like i'm missing something. oh well.

lila tov


2 apple § sauce

mmmmQ [04 Oct 2005|11:28pm]
[ mood | tired ]

i'm unhappy, and i can't even explain why. This preconceived notion of "happiness" that i've striven (strove strived???) for is now here, i have it obtained, and yet i still get these stupid feelings of depression, or unhappiness, or fatigue, or something bad and i can't really put it into words what it is.

i am happy however. i find myself lucky here, and i have found some very beautiful people. However, to go straight to the point, i don't like Johnson and Wales. so far. there are a lot of people here that i would prefer not to live with. I don't like dorms, i don't like roommates, and i don't like academics. i'm taking classes that i was thrown into for the culinary program, and they mean nothing to me. i really am just completely wasting my time, and i don't particularly like it. I can't wait to have an apartment. I also can't wait for culinary labs. ugggghhhh

Life is very beautiful outside of Johnson and Wales. Bristol is amazing. i like her a lot, and i'm so damn lucky to have met her. i have a job on thayer st. (ie. the coolest street in providence, equivelant to something like fanual hall or church st.). Brown University is on thayer. I work at au bon pain, which is like a panera-ish kind of place. it is really great. i get free coffee, and food, and drinks, and such, and the people there are very cool. The work is not that hard and i actually get breaks????? this concept is new to me. They were like "you get a half hour break" i was like ummmm i don't really need one. they laughed and told me to go. It was cool how i got the job too, i randomly started talking to a girl in the library because she was sitting in the seat i usually sit in, and i told her, and she laughed, and we started talking. SHe told me she worked there and i applied like the next day, and got the job on the spot. So make friends with people. Also, EJ is a very amazing person. He enjoys things like me, and has the same general outlook on the world as i do. He is nice to talk to, and a very learned person. He is an RA at south, and i like him a lot. We talk about books, and life, and drinking tea, and love, and hate, and things that make you think. He's one of the beautiful people i mentioned earlier.

The city is still beautiful. It has begun to inspire me to do something. I always get these pangs of inspiration to write a song, or a poem, or draw a painting, or write a book, or anything, but i don't, because "everything I made is trite and cheap and a waste of paint, of tape, of time" (Bright Eyes) seemed appropriate. in fact, that song seems appropriate for everything i'm feeling in the world. what a good song. "As I hide behind these books I read, while scribbling my poetry, like art could save a wretch like me, with some ideal ideology that no one can hope to achieve" you know? speak my mind. I <3 conor oberst. and i'm jealous (so jealous) of Bristol because of her amazing art that makes me wish that i was creative, and not a WASTE! agh! and fricken Erica. i hang around creative people too much. the city is very ugly too. I saw a man when i was waiting for the trolly thing to thayer, and he had a alcholic drink i assume inside a paper bag, and his eyes looked very unhappy. He couldn't walk well, because he was very very drunk, and he fell down and hit his head about 6 inches from where i was standing. It was probably the worst noise i have ever heard, and i looked down, and didn't want to do anything out of fear, and sadness. I just didn't know what to do, because even if i helped him up, he would probably just fall back down. so i let him sit there with a dazed look on his face, and people came to help. i said he should go to the hospital, and a lady sneered and looked at me with this face as if to say "he doesn't deserve help." i think he did. i felt so horrible, like i was about to cry or shoot myself or something. it sucks when people become that way, and i wonder what it would have taken for me to reach that point. probably not much more than my mother dying, or my parents disowning me. It sucks, but its things like that that make me happy to be who i am, and happy that the people surrounding me support me. I wished i could have helped that man, but i can't imagine how. maybe i'm just exaggerating, blowing a small incident out of proportion. ::shrug::

no one here likes dave matthews. and no one likes going to poetry slams. i miss home. but only some of it. everyone is going home this weekend, and i have family weekend at the cape. really sucks, because i really miss everyone.

speaking of which, i had a beautiful weekend at the cape lllllast weekend? yeah i think. or the one before. It was beautiful beautiful sexy awesome great, i had a blast. The people i went with were the perfect mix, and i was very content for the majority of the weekend. Lots of kicking back, and also lots of partying. we made good food, played good music, just a generally amazing time, and i am bummed that a lot of the people that i would have liked to have gone didn't. but what can you do?

john young is the man, and i miss him.

oh and i also played a few intense games of frisbee today. john (corliss), steve-o (john's roomate/the man), and i joined the intramural team. I don't believe we will have any official games until the spring, however, we have a scrimage in the making, and one of the kids is going to be in charge of keeping us in shape, doing drills and such, so this is a very good thing. Frisbee is the only sport, believe it or not, that i've ever enjoyed playing, and i never have the incentive to go to the gym. So this is good, because i need to watch my figure. i think.

i love everyone... and i hope to hear from whoever, so call me, or if nothing else, leave me a sweet comment. always a nice gesture. as usual, i hope everyone is content with their being.

8 apple § sauce

the Marathon Post [13 Sep 2005|01:25am]
[ mood | tired ]

Well its been QUITE a while since i've said anything on this. Since around April i think. so i guess i have a lot to say...

first of all though, i did this in a post a million years ago, but i wanna see who still reads this and who still loves me, so do this:

Post a memory of me in the comments.
It can be anything you want.
Then post this in your journal and see what people remember of you.

i forgot how to lj cut so i'm sorry for the length. don't hate me.

So yeah. Life is innnnnsaaane. Johnson and Wales is the greatest place on the planet. haha not really, but sometimes it feels that way. I love the friends i've gathered, and i definitely feel like i'm going to continue to be friends with them throughout the time i'm here. Two inparticular, Bristol and John, are very very awesome. John is into punk music, he plays the drums, he's all about frisbee, and is almost as good as me at it, and he has the same sense of humor as me, and a lot of the same interests as well. Bristol is a very very cool girl. Always smiling, and always able to make me smile. She likes cool music. I'm excited to learn a lot more from her about music. She knows a whole different genre then what i listen to, and it will be interesting to hear what she has to say about it. But i love hanging out with them, and they are very very cool people.

Providence is the shit. I enjoy it so much. It might be because i've only lived in Hollis, and only visited Boston. Living in the city is amazing. Every time i walk around, i just feel like singing that song from SLC Punk... "I LOVE LIVIN IN THE CITY" Its so cool though. so beautiful, so many lights, so much things to do, so much energy, so much music, so much beauty, ugh i love it. I saw one of the best bands i have ever seen the other day. They are called Fluttr Effect, and they absolutely rocked. I didn't even intend to go, we were just walking around and happened upon an open mic, and decided to pay the 6 dollars to get in. The first band was terrible, overplayed drums, chinese lead singer who played bad guitar and had nothing but underwear on that did not stay on his body, and we got many clear views of his behind. It was less than appealing. But then this band came on that was just unreal. There was a xylaphonist, a celloist, a singer, drummer, and guitarist. They played so well together, and they were just so sexy. The xylaphonist was in a red dress, and personally, i think dresses on girls are the hottest thing ever, and she played the best xylaphone ever. It was amazing how fast she was going and she was using 4 mallots and making it work. It was unreal. And the celloist was the awesomist girl ever. i think i fell in love with her. The best part about the whole band was that the whole time they had huge genuine smiles on their faces. I couldn't stop smiling just watching them, and i encourage EVERYONE to go see a Fluttr Effect show if you get the chance. They're from Boston. Its so beautiful when people enjoy playing music, and showing others their talents. Its absolutely amazing. go see them. do it. Providence music scene is the shit, hands down.

My roomates are cool, with the exception of one. His name is Ezra, and he's very egotistical, and should have spaghetti shot on him. Adam is really cool. hes really funny, and i enjoy hanging out with him. and Marie (pronounced MAR ((as in sea in spanish))-ee) is cool too. He's Jamaican, and i have learned a lot about the Jamiacan culture, and how to speak it. i learned some cool jamaican words that i may have to start using. It seems like he can swich on and off his Jamaican accent, which is annoying, because some times he keeps it on, and its so hard to understand. Also hes into a lot of reggae, so i'm definitely starting to get into that.

There are a lot of douche bags here. People that i don't enjoy the company of. But i guess there is douchebags everywhere, so i shouldnt complain...

My classes are cool. JWU is divided into trimesters, and the first one, i was lucky enough to be put into AM academic classes. Which means that i have to wake up at 6, iron my uniform, shower, shave, and be at class by 6:45. and you thought you're early classes sucked! but its not that bad. I'm basically taking math, science, english, and a sanitation class, and a career management class. My schedule is actually cool because tuesday i only have one class at 1:30, and i don't have any classes friday bitches! so it all evens out. I could complain, but whats the use? i'm at the absolute best school for me, so theres no reason to. I consider myself VERY lucky to be here. However, i definitely can't wait for my culinary labs to start. From my friends who are taking them, they sound like a lot of fun. i hope i get afternoon classes though, because the labs are 6 hours long, which would be less cool if they were at 7 in the morning. but either way, i'm pumped.

I miss Hollis a lot, but not as much as i thought i would. I'm coming home this weekend, but i would kind of rather stay here. In case anyone was wondering, i enjoy calling the town i live in Hollis, because Brookline basically sucks. I consider myself from Hollis, and i'm sorry if anyone has a problem with taht. Don't get me wrong, its going to be very much fun to see everyone, sleep in my own bed, see micah, and everyone i havn't seen in what seems liek forever. but i just get this weird feeling of now that i've left it behind, why should i go back to it? its hard to explain, and i don't think i have completely validated my thoughts on the subject. I definitely am not going to forget anything, i just feel like going back would be a breach in my new life, it seems like. that sounds so lame, but i don't know how else to phrase it.

I miss John so much. Its so weird talking to him on the phone, and not hanging out with him every day. I'm so glad he's having a blast, and i am too. Its cool/weird to imagine him enjoying his life without me there, you know? well, maybe you know.

and i also miss Erica. I've been wanting to go to starbucks, so i'm definitely looking forward to that with ian and her. Some of my favorite memories with those two goobers was at starbucks. ugh i love you two so much. fyi, this post is for you, ian, because you told me to, and i havn't gotten around to it until now.

and i miss the laguna beach parties, the sabbagh residence, the good good times, the parties, oh man. This summer was so much fun. "We've got some times I wouldn't trade for the world"

Well anyways, i guess thats all i have to say. I hope that anyone who i haven't kept in touch with, and wants to be in touch with me, calls me immediately, because it would be dumb if they didn't. I hope that everyone is enjoying themselves wherever they are in life, and i love you all...

i can't promise, but there may be more updates in the future. but who knows... :D

25 apple § sauce

some poetry [04 Apr 2005|01:51pm]
[ mood | thats what she said ]

Poem about my late dog Sadie. tell me what you think

Best DogCollapse )

2 apple § sauce

you think you're morning sucks? [14 Mar 2005|04:38am]
[ mood | amused ]

so its 4:30 in the morning. I wake up, realizing that i have been sleeping since around 6 PM, and don't feel tired at all. i also realize that i have a LOT of homework to do for tomorrow... or today. I'm feeling kind of out of it, so i decide to take my dog on a walk. This seems ludacris of course, but since the stars looked so awesome outside my window, i decided to anyways. So i get out onto the porch with my dog's leash and she gets outside, and starts flipping out. i'm still standing on the porch, and I'm like kita whats wrong, and i realize theres some sort of animal that shes like mauling, and i'm freaking out, yanking on the leash to get her away from it, shes still growling and the animal's still tweaking, and i didn't see the animal, and shes flipping out and all of a sudden...

the smell hits my nose.

yes thats right.

my dog was skunked. at 4:30 in the morning.

needless to say, my rondezvous with the stars was cut short

unfortunately, you can't really blame her, it was just nature taking its course. so now i can't breathe, IT SMELLS SO BAD, and i still have 1800 words to write, and a summary on some sports thing. fantastic.

i'm not feeling so out of it now hahahaha

16 apple § sauce

haha [03 Mar 2005|01:18am]
[ mood | happy ]

So i had to update this info for anyone who cares...

so remember night of the living guitars last year where we played the general? And remember when i sang wicked awesomely? but then in the second verse i forgot the words and dropped the F-bomb? well i was just watching the dvd of dispatch's last show (thanks to elena) and he does the exact same thing. well almost. he messes up at the exact same place and starts to sing exactly what i was singing, only while i sang "well the men stood... fuck" he sang "well the men stood mnfmemenemen... keep it going!" haha that makes me feel better about my screw up.

anyways, that dvd is amazing. check it out. my favorite is elias.

nothing has been really going on. i'm having a lame vacation. the people i hang out with a lot are gone, or have been gone for this first half, namely john and erica, but i hung out with ian a couple times. also i'm starting to read running with scissors. really good book. if i didn't have work, i probably would have died of boredom.

heres a poem i wrote, tell me what you think:

Wonderful TonightCollapse )

also listen to the song "first day of my life" by bright eyes. i love it, and i think micah and i are going to try to play it at guitar night. also someone stole my capo, so if anyone has any information on the where-abouts of it, let me know.


7 apple § sauce

pro-crast [20 Feb 2005|11:16pm]
[ mood | tired ]

MeFirst2021 (11:04:01 PM): do you have school tomorrow?
Bennyboy1122 (11:04:07 PM): unfortunately
Bennyboy1122 (11:04:12 PM): but its blizzarding so maybe not
MeFirst2021 (11:04:13 PM): its presidents day
Bennyboy1122 (11:04:29 PM): yeah i know, we're pretty much the only school in the world with school
MeFirst2021 (11:04:36 PM): thats gay
Bennyboy1122 (11:04:37 PM): and by the world i mean the US
Bennyboy1122 (11:04:47 PM): yeah
Bennyboy1122 (11:04:57 PM): but who really celebrates presidents day anyways?
MeFirst2021 (11:05:01 PM): me
MeFirst2021 (11:05:08 PM): i made a predsident cake
Bennyboy1122 (11:05:09 PM): do you celebrate all 50
Bennyboy1122 (11:05:14 PM): or just the better ones
MeFirst2021 (11:05:19 PM): no... just george and lincoln
Bennyboy1122 (11:05:22 PM): oh
Bennyboy1122 (11:05:27 PM): clinton
Bennyboy1122 (11:05:29 PM): ?
MeFirst2021 (11:05:30 PM): no
Bennyboy1122 (11:05:34 PM): nixon?
MeFirst2021 (11:05:35 PM): no
Bennyboy1122 (11:05:40 PM): taylor?
MeFirst2021 (11:05:42 PM): no
Bennyboy1122 (11:05:48 PM): sherman?
MeFirst2021 (11:05:50 PM): yes
Bennyboy1122 (11:05:57 PM): YES!
Bennyboy1122 (11:06:39 PM): roosavelt?
MeFirst2021 (11:06:47 PM): no
Bennyboy1122 (11:07:01 PM): adams
MeFirst2021 (11:07:06 PM): no
Bennyboy1122 (11:07:21 PM): why not adams?
MeFirst2021 (11:07:27 PM): because
Bennyboy1122 (11:07:50 PM): kennedy?
MeFirst2021 (11:07:56 PM): no
Bennyboy1122 (11:08:02 PM): george clinton?
MeFirst2021 (11:08:07 PM): yes
Bennyboy1122 (11:08:20 PM): YES!
Bennyboy1122 (11:08:55 PM): lets get funked up
MeFirst2021 (11:11:00 PM): lol
Bennyboy1122 (11:11:31 PM): its 11:11, make a wish
MeFirst2021 (11:11:46 PM): i made a good one
Bennyboy1122 (11:12:14 PM): what was it?
MeFirst2021 (11:13:14 PM): cant tell ya or it wont come true
MeFirst2021 (11:13:18 PM): ill tell you tomorrow
Bennyboy1122 (11:13:34 PM): go tell it on the mountain
MeFirst2021 (11:13:50 PM): oh i will
Bennyboy1122 (11:14:22 PM): you better

dadsjflkadsjf;ldskjfl;ajkdf/ essays for school that you start at 9:00 are not cool. especially when they are on the Canterbury Tales. sorry for wasting your time with this haha but nikki makes me laugh.

2 apple § sauce

Report card and other juunk [28 Jan 2005|09:00pm]
[ mood | damn fine ]

Report CAARD

anatomy: C- (because i was caught cheating and i wasn't. lucky me.)
AP Lit: C+
Foods 1: A-
Honors Jazz Band: A
Music App: A+
Music Theory: A
Gym: A
Pre-Calc: A+

yeah thats right, i took 8 classes my senior year. what of it? i dropped three of them though. and then picked up two.

So me and micah want to do an acoustic song for guitar night, and we have it narrowed down to three. please vote.

1. Taking back Sunday - Cute without the E (cut from the team)((the version from punk goes accoustic))
2. Spill Canvas - The Tide
3. Oasis - Wonderwall
4. Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down (this is one i want to do, but liz and erica seem to hate the idea, so i donno haha)

seriously vote. do it. if you're cool.

also, i don't know if anyone would be interested, but i am in love with this community and i don't know how to do the thing that brings you to it, so i'll just write it and you can either tell me how to do it, or go to it yourself, or just go to my user info. whatever floats your boat.


so if you like that kinda stuff, join it.

also check out sly and the family stone, they are amazing.


8 apple § sauce

Yeah you know it. [24 Jan 2005|04:52pm]
[ mood | impressed ]

So here is my schedule for my last semester of senior year. pretty much the best schedule ever. i'll probably be in school a lot. here it is:

1 - Options
2 - Sociology & Sport
3 - Pre-Calc
4 - Poetry
5 - Crisis (buuuuut hopefully options, if mr. oulette decides to be cool)
6 - AP Lit
7 - Music Theory/Gym
8 - Options

schedule craaaapCollapse )

text in between cuts! yeah!

boring stuff about my birthdayCollapse )

also if anyone has a beaver hat, or a fake forked beard, please let me know if i can borrow it for a presentation. thanks.

the following is added on for elena. yeah.

for Elena's Eyes ONLY, if you read this I WILL KNOWCollapse )

4 apple § sauce

Untitled (hahaha) [21 Jan 2005|11:40pm]
[ mood | tired ]

I drove home today listening to my new rusted root cd and i was smiling the whole time. WHo knows why? maybe the awesome DVD and note i got from erica, or maybe the show i saw and all the happy people, or the time i spent today at barnes and noble, such cool people, or maybe just the new cd, but i couldn't stop. ANd i got home, got out of my car and just looked up. It was about 0 degrees out, but i still just sat there, spell bound by the stars. THey always do that to me. and i don't know how to explain the feeling that i get when i do see them, like i feel hollow. But in a good way. I feel like i'm being lifted up and i always have to take a deep breath... I wonder if anyone else feels that way?

I'm going to be 18 years old in 15 minutes. 18? what a fucking huge year. I can handle it though. what other choice do i have. I really don't want to go to college. I'm afraid, i won't lie. So damn afraid, i always want the comfort i have here. i never want it to end. Ugh. But as much as i don't want to, i'm totally ready too. Its weird. I just hope all goes well and i'm happy throughout. I hope i continue to pursue music, and i hope that someday i can join a band, even if its a cover one.

I'm just so damn glad to be alive.

9 apple § sauce

Auld Lang Syne [01 Jan 2005|04:23am]
[ mood | mellow ]

Its 4:30 in the morningCollapse )

2 apple § sauce

do you want your tots? [20 Dec 2004|04:54pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

Napoleon Dynamite is in stores on DVD TOMORROW!!! Also, tomorrow is chicken patty on a bun day!!! It's pretty much going to be the best day ever.


what the flip!

1 apple § sauce

since the world is doing it... [07 Dec 2004|04:00pm]
[ mood | bored ]

survizzleCollapse )

yeah that was fun. minus the fun, plus the repetitive.

i don't really have anything else to say. go the concert on the 18th if your cool and like cool music.


and i know there'll be no more tears in heaven [23 Nov 2004|09:25pm]
[ mood | sad ]

wow...Collapse )

4 apple § sauce

!!!!!!! [13 Nov 2004|07:04pm]
[ mood | content ]


...and i'm very excited!
7 apple § sauce

insignificance [10 Nov 2004|08:09am]
[ mood | awake ]

I'm feeling mighty insignificant right now.

My life has been confused. You might look at it from the outside in and not see anything wrong, but if you look hard its apparent. Unfortunately, theres no one really there that'll look hard at that. My mom is there for me, thats about it. everyone else has someone else thats occupying their time. Or someone else to care about, and if they spend time with me, its just lack of better things to do. at least thats the way i feel.

and it really really gets to me. I was driving to barnes and noble last night, in my car that doesn't have a cd player, and i was sick of classic rock fleetwood mac bruce sprinstein crap, and i put it on classical 102.5, and i just thought. And it became aparent to me that i don't think. I'm just flying through life without sitting back to think. I always have something else to occupy my mind. Whether it be schoolwork, television shows, a new cd, college, my cats, work etc.

But when i thought, i cried. I thought about my life, and about what i was doing for the world, and about what i was going to become, and i cried. I have had no impact on anyone. I want to change someones life. I want to be there for someone else, i know i would be. I want someone to be able to say "he saved my life" or someone to be able to say "i don't know what i'd do without him." But lately i just don't feel that anyone could care less. I know, I KNOW, that i would do the morally right thing in a situation when that situation came. always. But thats obviously not enough. anyone can say that. and mean it too, but it doesn't really change a thing. ANd i don't know how to change it. i don't know what to physically do to change the world and have more impact on the people i spend my life with. I wish i knew the answers. i wish i didn't feel so fucking insignificant.

So what am i left to do now? just find more things to occupy my time i suppose. or find people that will appreciate me for who i am and need me in their life. or try harder with the friends i have. i waited to long. It scares me that the first time in 5 months that i have sat back and taken a long hard look at my life, tears flowed.

i'm sure everyone's felt this way...

3 apple § sauce

[02 Nov 2004|03:49pm]
[ mood | weird ]

Updating for anyone that cares.

My cat, pooches, is not doing so well. We found him about a week ago with a big gash on his head, and we figure that it was a car that hit him. What we know about him is that he responds to us being around by purring and/or meowing, hes partially or all the way blind, and when he walks, he walks in a counter clockwise circle, and he's able to eat on his own, if we give him the food. meaning we don't have to like insert it into him, he eats, he just doesn't know where it is. We are keeping him in my dog's cage so that he doesn't hurt himself, but when we let him out, he just keeps walking in circles until he runs into something. It really is painful to watch. I don't know what to do. I don't want to put him to sleep, i don't want to agree to that, but i feel like it would be the best thing. Poor little guy... why do bad things happen to good cats?

I had an amazing halloween. The whole weekend kind of sucked, aside from work which is my favorite place in the world to be making money. We blasted justin timberlake at like 8 in the morning to make fun of a kid we work with who had the justified cd in his cd collection, and claimed that it was "his girlfreinds". haha Its fun when the boss isn't there. Oh also, a stupid kid named marcus that i never really liked, got fired because he was a slacker, and now they are hiring i believe. So if anyone wants to work in a real kitchen, apply. But both nights i really did nothing at all, and it was kind of worsened because everyone else was out galavanting at their halloween parties. But anyways, sunday night was amazing. Erica and Shane had an amazing idea to play frisbee under the lights at nichols. I don't even know why we never did this during the summer, because i had so much fun. we played for like 2 hours straight. i'm still beat. frisbee is an amazing thing. my fav sport. and those kids were just so cool. and just being under the lights made you feel so awesome. i donno. one of those memories that i'll remember for a long time.

aaaaand as far as colleges go, i'm applying at Johnson and Wales, Southern New Hampshire, CIA, maybe UNH, and hopefully a few good ones that a find that i might go to if i decide against culinary. ANy suggestions?

and i got new kicks. i like them. they actually look semi-ok on me, which is weird. shoes usually look goofy on me. it was a pleasant change. i really want to get ben sherman merchandise. i only have a shirt. i want the whole shabang.

i need the best album you own. tell me what it is and i'll get it. no doubt.

i revised my essay, but i think it still needs some work. tell me what you think, what i can change, grammar, whatever, it would help a lot

Without ever saying a wordCollapse )

-Benjamin (i think i've decided that i finally like my full name)

1 apple § sauce

SO EXCITED!!!!! [07 Oct 2004|01:37pm]
[ mood | excited ]

I LOVE THIS PLACE!!!!Collapse )

7 apple § sauce

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